How To Stop Fawning: Practical Steps You Can Take

Does it ever happen that you agree to something people ask of you before even thinking if you want to do it? 

For instance, if someone asks you for help, you say yes almost immediately without a second thought. 

Similarly, if someone seems upset with you, you start apologizing, explaining yourself, or do everything you can to make them feel better. 

Later on, you question why you said yes or apologized when you didn’t even want to. This can even make you feel angry, resentful, or disappointed with yourself. 

Now, to begin with, this happens because of a fawn response. Also called fawning or people pleasing, it makes you feel like it is your responsibility to keep everyone comfortable. 

Worse yet, you don’t do this consciously as it happens sub-consciously without you even realizing it initially. 

In this blog, I have explained what a fawn response is really and six practical steps to stop it. 

So, read on to know everything about how to stop fawning. 

Key takeaways

• Fawning often becomes an automatic response to stress or conflict.
• Notice your fawn response before you try to change it.
• Pause before saying yes and ask what you actually want.
• Start practicing small boundaries and learn to tolerate the discomfort.
• If the pattern is deeply rooted, trauma-informed therapy can help.

What is fawn response?

A fawn response is a pattern where you start pleasing or appeasing people whenever you feel unsafe, anxious, threatened, or want to avoid conflict. It happens in mainly two ways:

1. You agree to do something even when you don’t want to.
2. You apologize even if there is no fault of your own.

Apart from this, you might also constantly monitor people’s mood and adjust your behavior towards them so that they are not angry or disappointed. 

You might tell the person that it is fine with you or you don’t mind even when you subconsciously do mind.

Fawning is similar to trauma responses like fight, flight, and freeze. But here, instead of fighting the threat, running from it, or showing emotional dissociation, you try to make the other person happy, hoping it will help the situation. 

This is why, in therapy, we believe that pleasing people can be sometimes related to trauma. For instance, if you learned growing up that your parent’s or caretaker’s anger can have consequences for you, you might have started doing things to please them as a response.

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But is all people pleasing a trauma response?

Not really. 

On the opposite, you can have a kind, compassionate, empathetic, and generally accommodating nature without having a fawn response or a history of trauma.

But then, the difference between whether you please people out of a general sense of kindness or as a fawn response decides if it is a trauma response. 

For instance, if you really want to help someone, that is a conscious choice. But if you say yes because saying no will make you anxious, unsafe, guilty, or afraid of what the other person might think or do, that can be trauma response. 

How to stop fawning? 

If you are someone who please-pleases a lot, I am sure you would have tried to stop this.

However, sometimes fawningness​ becomes so natural that it happens almost instinctively, without you giving it a second thought. It is only later on that you realize you wanted to say no but you could-not. 

This keeps happening time and again because you have developed a sub-conscious belief that if you agree, you can avoid conflict and be safe. 

For a lot of people, these patterns start to take shape during childhood as a result of childhood emotional neglect. 

That is exactly why you can’t stop being a people pleaser in an instant. You can start small by separating what happens and how you respond. This will eventually give you an informed choice every time someone asks you for something. 

Overall, here’s how to stop people pleasing: 

#1. Notice what happens right before you fawn

The best first step in how to stop fawning is noticing what happened just before you said yes to something you didn’t want to do. 

For instance, was it a disappointed look, change of tone, or persistent request for favor that made you say yes. 

Also, notice how you felt at that moment. Think if you were worried the other person might get angry if you said no or you had an urge to make the situation comfortable again. 

Not to mention, your body also gives enough hints. So, do look for signs like: 

• Your shoulders or jaw becoming tense.
• Your heart beating faster.
• A sudden feeling of urgency.
• The need to apologize.
• Racing thoughts.
• An urge to reassure the other person.

These signs are very easy to miss at the moment because they happen too quickly. But think about them curiously later and you will be able to pinpoint them. 

#2. Pause before you say yes

This is the simplest thing you can do to stop your fawn response. More so if you have a habit of saying yes even before thinking about it. 

Now, I am not saying you have to outrightly say no. Also, you need not decide whether to say yes or no right at that moment. 

Here’s what you can do instead:

If your fawn response makes you say something like, sure, I will do it, every time someone asks for something. You can pause for a bit and then say something like, let me think about it and get back to you. Or maybe you can say, I need to check my schedule first.

Yes, it will feel awkward initially, especially if you are used to making other people feel comfortable. 

But that is completely alright, as you are not trying to avoid the person or their request. You are simply giving yourself more time to think, notice how you feel, and see what you need before responding. 

#3. Ask yourself what do you want

If you have been fawning for sometime now, you would have become quite good at what people around you want. 

For instance, you know what makes your partner upset, what your boss expects, what your family wants, and how to generally avoid making a conversation uncomfortable. 

But then, if someone asks you what you want, you might not have a response. That’s because you have been constantly adjusting yourself for other people, and that makes it difficult to know your own needs. 

Now, you need not know all your needs right away. Start small. And the next time someone asks you what you want, don’t just say you decide. Instead, take a pause and think what would you choose if you know they wouldn’t be disappointed. 

Begin with everyday things like choosing the restaurant you want to go to, the movie you want to watch, or telling someone what time works better for you. 

Therapist’s tip: Stopping fawning doesn’t mean you have to say no to everything. You instead learn to recognize what you want to say yes to. 

#4. Start setting small boundaries

For starters, let me tell you setting healthy boundaries in no way means it will lead to a confrontation. You are not going to tell the other person how you have been feeling for all this while, yet saying yes. 

All you are going to do is start with small boundaries. These will help you learn how to stop fawning in a way that doesn’t overwhelm you. 

For instance, you can say things like I can’t take that on right now, or I need more time to decide. 

Also, expressing a different opinion is a way of setting healthy boundaries. Here, instead of agreeing to everything just to avoid an awkward situation, you can simply say, I see it differently, or we can agree to disagree. 

You see, setting a boundary doesn’t mean you are becoming harsh. You are simply becoming clearer about what you are willing to do and what you are not. 

#5. Learn to tolerate someone’s disappointment

This can be the hardest steps in how to stop people pleasing, but it is worth it. That’s because it is here you finally learn to say no. 

You can finally start expressing what you want. It can make the other person look disappointed and you might instinctively want to apologize or resort to overexplaining as a trauma response. 

But this is when you should remind yourself that if someone is disappointed, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.  

Yes, people can have feelings about you setting boundaries. They can disagree or even be disappointed with you. But you can still say no. 

You can definitely care about other people’s feelings, yet remind yourself that it is not your responsibility to fix their feelings. 

#6. Be compassionate when you notice yourself fawning again

Even when you know the connection between people pleasing and trauma and recognize your fawn response symptoms, you might still do it sometimes. 

And when you realize this afterwards, you might criticize yourself or feel guilty for not setting boundaries. 

This is completely normal when you are getting over with fawningness​. So, when you fawn sometimes, don’t resort to self-criticism. Instead, focus on understanding what happened before you fawned. 

Ask yourself if you were afraid of conflict, felt anxious, or feared rejection before you said yes. The more curious you become about the pattern, the easier it can become to recognize it earlier next time.

Can therapy help you reduce or stop a fawn response?

Yes, it can.

A therapist can help you understand where your people-pleasing comes from and what keeps the pattern going. They can help you recognize your triggers, notice what happens in your body, understand your needs, and practice how to set boundaries. 

Also, if fawning is caused by childhood trauma or any other traumatic experience, a therapist can help find a long-term solution to it through approaches like EMDR and CBT.

You might also want to read: How Much Does EMDR Therapy Cost In Denver?

Let’s Talk Through Things Together!

As a licensed Denver therapist, I help you process stress, anxiety, and past trauma in a safe, grounded space.

Schedule A Free 15-Minute Consultation

Conclusion 

If you are curious about how to stop fawning, I hope this guide helped you get an idea about how to do so. 

You can follow the above six steps, taking one small step at a time, and work on your fawn response slowly rather than taking drastic steps in one go. 

Also, stopping people pleasing doesn’t mean you want to become someone who never helps people or cares about others. You should still do so when you genuinely feel like it. 

But when you stop fawning, you don’t instinctively say yes to everything that is being asked of you. You understand what is reasonable and what is not. 

Got more questions or looking for a therapist in Denver, CO?

You can get in touch with me!

At 12:2 Counseling, I offer trauma-informed therapy, including EMDR therapy, for people who are working through trauma, anxiety, relationship difficulties, and patterns that no longer serve them.

If you’d like to talk about what you’re experiencing, you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation. We can discuss what you’re looking for, your therapy goals, and whether working together would be a good fit.

I offer in-person therapy at my Highlands Ranch office and online therapy throughout Colorado. 

FAQs about how to stop fawning

What is fawn response?

The fawn response is a pattern of appeasing, accommodating, or pleasing another person when you feel threatened, unsafe, or afraid of conflict. It involves always saying yes, avoiding disagreement, apologizing excessively, or feeling responsible for another person’s emotions.

Is people pleasing a trauma response?

Sometimes, yes.

People pleasing can develop for many different reasons, so it isn’t always a trauma response. But when pleasing others becomes a way of trying to avoid conflict, rejection, or perceived danger, it can be a trauma response.

What are common fawn response symptoms?

Some common signs of fawn response include difficulty saying no, excessive apologizing, avoiding conflict, always agreeing with others, suppressing your own needs, and constantly monitoring other people’s moods. 

How to stop people pleasing? 

You can start by noticing when you automatically agree or try to make someone comfortable. Then practice pausing before you answer, know what you really want, setting small boundaries, and allowing yourself to feel uncomfortable when someone is disappointed.